Thinking Again
by sucker-for-a-romcom
Summary: My first ever fanfic! Set about 4 years after the end of the show as Ryan is preparing to graduate from Berkley and he starts to think about Taylor again for the first time in 3 years.
1. Chapter 1

"You know, we're really bad at this."

"Eating dinner? You seem to be doing a fine job of making your way through that steak. Haven't you eaten in the last month?"

Ryan gave one of his rare smiles, enjoying sparring again with the girl sitting across the restaurant table from him. "What I mean is, we don't meet up as often as we should. This is the first time in what? 18 months?"

Ryan felt guilty, 18 months sounded like such a long time but he felt like he had been constantly busy for all that time. Even the summer had been full of trips; the East Coast with Seth and Summer, a trip to Europe with friends from Berkley, a big family vacation with the Cohens and a few weeks work experience in San Francisco. Somewhere along the line keeping up with old girlfriends had slipped by the wayside.

"Well we're here now and between jobs, families, you at college and us in different cities – I think we do alright," said Teresa and she smiled reassuringly.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Ryan pondered the point. It was great to see Teresa again but the truth was that things were probably as friendly as they were _because_ of the infrequencies of their meetings. Reminiscing about old times, catching up and sharing some laughs, they were great links to his past. A comfort he knew he could rely on and something that he knew connected her to time before she was businesswoman and mother. But the angst and anguish which was once a constant in their relationship was gone and in essence so was the need to be in each other's daily lives.

"So, senior year?" Asked Teresa "you feeling the pressure yet?"

"Oh yeah. Definitely. At least I have a plan though. Position at a firm in San Francisco set up and waiting for me, just have to get through the finals. Meanwhile Seth is flapping round like a headless chicken trying to decide what to do."

"I thought he was doing well at his school"

"He is. Looks like he'll be able to get a job almost anywhere."

"And?" Teresa prompted.

"Seth can't handle too many choices. It makes him crazy…er."

Teresa chuckled "And Summer?"

"Well she is the girl-genius who is graduating from Brown after 3 years and can join GEORGE offices on either coast". Ryan smiled to himself thinking about Seth and Summer. Watching them grow up over the past few years had been great. They had managed the long distance thing sensibly and hit their stride in Rhode Island when Summer went back to Brown after a year with GEORGE.

Ryan was rooting for California to win out in their decisions for the future but he wasn't too worried about them deciding to stay on the East Coast. Despite the distance Ryan felt as close as ever with his best friends and this had helped dispel his old fears of far-away equalling completely gone.

He briefly let his mind wander, thinking about why long distance worked for some and not others, before slamming the mental door shut and focusing back on dinner.

Teresa continued to ask him about school and Ryan asked her about work. They covered families; her mother and son, the Cohens, Sophie (including the 4 year-old's current obsession with snakes). They were onto the coffees when the subject of romance came up.

"It's early days" admitted Teresa, "but he is a great guy, good with Daniel and I think it might be going somewhere." The happiness on Teresa's face was enough to convince Ryan that she was genuine and he was pleased for her. "What about you?" she continued, "What happened to that girl? Kate?"

"Claire? That was months ago. Never really got started."

There was a pause and Teresa rapped her nails on the table, "Ryan Atwood. Always such an open book." Ryan smiled slightly but didn't say anything. Teresa, bolstered by the wine at dinner, pressed on for gossip, "Back in High School you were a serial monogamist. You always had girl drama and now, Kate-"

"Claire!" Ryan corrected, laughing at Teresa's lecture. She sounded just like Kirsten.

"Claire, right. A non-starter. There was that awful girl a couple of years back - Nicole." Teresa performed a mock shudder.

"Nicole wasn't that bad"

"Oh please, she was scared of her own shadow, a complete wimp. She couldn't open a soda can without your assistance!"

Teresa continued to list her problems with Nicole and Ryan couldn't really argue. She had been a bit of a disaster. He nodded to the waiter for the bill, thinking it was about time he got Teresa home "I think I'll call you a cab." Teresa didn't seem to notice as she carried on her rant.

"And I never heard about any other girls since Taylor."

Ryan carried on smiling but it was now through a clenched jaw. He hoped Teresa didn't notice. How had they ended up talking about this? Teresa was surely a good bet for a Taylor-free conversation. He thought it would be easy to avoid those awful conversational black holes that could happen when talking to Summer or Kaitlin. Now he was desperate for the conversation to end and the bill to be paid. He tried to keep his voice light like it had been a moment before "Yeah, Taylor was a kook." He signed the check and stood up.

"She was a little strange, sure. I mean, prom night? I was witness to some very strange three-way flirting that night. In Korean! But get to know her a little better and it's easy to see she's such a sweet girl."

Ryan stopped and straightened up and lost the fake smile, "Wait, when did you get to know her better?"

"We had dinner together in Newport, years ago." Teresa was putting on her coat; obviously unaware of the effect the conversation was having on Ryan.

"When?" Ryan asked. He could imagine Taylor tracking Teresa down for an interrogation when she was 'stalking' him.

Teresa shifted her coat a little and looked over at Ryan, suddenly reluctant to talk, "after the funeral - Marissa's funeral." Her voice trailed off. "Sorry Ry, I assumed you knew."

Marissa was a subject he and Teresa generally didn't touch on. Ryan had spent a long time working out everything in his head that was Marissa-related, but it still wasn't something he could really talk to her about after all their years of drama.

But now his head was swimming with questions. Why were they having dinner? Was it just the two of them? Why were they in Newport? Teresa had answered the last question - the funeral. He had missed it, left before everyone poured into town. He had missed Jimmy, Haley, Luke and Summer mentioned once that Alex had shown up. But he'd never thought about Taylor being there. Then again, he always tried to keep Marissa and Taylor pretty separate in his mind.

Teresa had gone quiet. She felt bad for accidentally raising the issue of Marissa and making a mess of the conversation. They made their way outside the restaurant and recovered slightly with some more small talk and parted on friendly, albeit slightly muted, terms.

Ryan had the windows down on the drive home. He only one glass of the wine at dinner but concentrating on driving was becoming an issue because of the sheer number of thoughts filling his head. Thoughts he'd had locked away for three years. This was the last thing he needed just a couple of months before finals. Memories flooding back to him. Memories of perfect smiles, of red dresses and of peaches.


	2. Chapter 2

Nearly four years of happy, drama-free life at the house in Berkley had not stopped Kirsten worrying about her kids. She sat in her kitchen with a cup of coffee and worried to her maximum. Seth was in Providence; Sophie was at pre-school, which meant that at this moment all her worrying was directed at the boy she could see outside changing the oil in his car.

Ryan had been brooding for days. It was subtle brooding - not quite as angst-filled as his teenage years - but he had been fixing and tweaking things almost non-stop since his meal out with Teresa. Not that Kirsten could complain that her dishwasher was no longer leaking and the tyres had been checked on her car but Ryan reverting to his non-verbal state was always a cause for worry in her books.

She had briefly tried to talk to him about it earlier in the week but he had just brushed her off. She took a deep breath and got up to put her coffee cup in the sink. Although she hated to admit it, Ryan was all grown up now and had learned to deal with things in his own way. She knew he would come to Sandy or her if he needed to. She just hoped she could help at some point.

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It was mid-afternoon when Ryan finally stopped his all distraction technique tasks and slumped onto the couch in the family room. He was physically exhausted but disappointed to discover that his mind was still firing away with a million thoughts, just like it had been for days.

Glancing over at the TV and debating whether to play some video games a small folder on the bookshelf caught his eye. He stretched across and was pleased to find he could reach it without standing up. He turned it over a few times in his hands before opening it. It had been a gift from Kirsten, both he and Seth got one the first Christmas they had been at college. A photo-album. A few carefully selected photos to keep with them in their dorms. Ryan's had been a little redundant being so close to the Cohens but he had been touched by the gift anyway.

He pulled the album open and breathed a sigh of relief at the photo on the open page. One of Sandy, Kirsten and a newborn Sophie. No emotional land mines there. He flicked back a little and stopped when he saw a flash of red and sky-blue. It was the group photo from prom. Boom.

Taylor's red dress and Teresa's bright blue one were the first things to stand out - that and the Californian sky. Looking at the picture harder, it struck Ryan just how peculiar it was. Kirsten had thankfully picked a photo without Volchok in it, but it was still so odd to look at.

There Ryan was, a million miles from Chino still going to prom with Teresa. Summer and Seth were not speaking, refusing even to stand next to each other. Anna was there a blast from the past. And Taylor was stood just a few feet from him in a red dress, at a time when red dresses meant nothing to him and she was barely on his radar.

Thinking about how he felt that night and remembering everything that happened, what a chaotic time that had been, it seemed strange that he could hold a photo where everyone was in party dresses, smiling. Yet in many ways it was a real snapshot of his high-school life. A group of people who had each meant so many things to him… and of course, a K-pop star and his naturally hairless cousin.

Ryan laughed internally. Only with Taylor in his life could a symbolic, meaningful photo be punctuated with a foreign celebrity. She had never been dull. Then his eyes slid across the photo to someone else that had never been dull, but for very different reasons.

His conversation with Teresa had stirred up so many things about Marissa and Taylor but Ryan wasn't sure whom he was thinking about the most, which memories were really irking him. There had been a girl in his dream last night and he still wasn't sure who it was. The truth was he didn't want to find out. Either way it would raise more questions he wasn't ready to answer.

~-~

Kirsten briefly froze when she saw Ryan slumped on the couch looking at the photo album she had given him years ago. She wasn't sure he had looked at it since she first gave it to him. She could see the prom photo from where she stood and things suddenly seemed to make sense to her. Marissa. Something had happened at dinner with Teresa that had made him think about Marissa.

As she slowly moved over to the sofa, her heart ached for him. It wasn't fair that he still had to carry it with him. It wasn't fair that Marissa wasn't at Berkley with Ryan and Kaitlin. Unfair that Marissa didn't get to know her baby brother, that Julie was still living every day without her daughter. Tears were building in her eyes but she pushed them away, aware of Ryan's likelihood to bolt when she tried to talk to him. She gently sat next to him and he turned his head as he tore his gaze from the album and noticed her sitting there.

"You and Seth both looked so handsome that night". Kirsten paused and was relieved when Ryan made no effort to leave. He seemed to be willing to talk about it. "All of you looked beautiful". Ryan gave a small smile. "So seeing Teresa stirred some things up?" She was still treading lightly.

"Actually, she mentioned the funeral. I guess I haven't thought about it for a while. I should have been there."

"Ryan, you missed it because…" Kirsten searched for the right words, "it wasn't an option for you right then. And everybody understood that. No one was angry. We were all just…concerned". She squeezed his hand. "You went through something at 18 that was more awful than many people deal with in a lifetime. What's important is that since then you found a way to live your life, grown into a wonderful young man and Marissa would be so proud of you. I know I am."

Ryan slowly nodded his head, grateful to Kirsten for quelling some of his guilt. It wasn't something he did consciously but in some ways, he did live life for Marissa. Trying to become the person she had seen within him before almost anyone else.

After a few moments, with Kirsten still by his side he added, "Teresa mentioned Taylor was at the funeral". He said it in an off-hand manner. Trying to avoid raising questions from Kirsten. Whether or not she was suspicious of the question she didn't show it and instead just answered.

"She wasn't at the funeral. She arrived a couple of days later. I guess she didn't hear about the accident straight away. She was in Korea wasn't she?"

Ryan didn't answer, he just stumbled over another question "Why was she- where did- what she do here?"

"I can't really remember everything. Things around then were…" Kirsten was gazing into the middle distance "She was probably here for about 2 weeks. Sandy and I were – I mean we were devastated – and we worried and looking for you."

Ryan flinched slightly thinking about what his disappearance act must have done to them. The guilt of earlier began creeping back in.

Kirsten continued, still speaking slowly, picking her words carefully "She was… around. I remember her sorting out everybody's dry-cleaning after the funeral and I think she did grocery shopping for the Roberts' house. She took Kaitlin to the spa one day I think. Julie was pretty out of it." Kirsten seemed to come out of her gaze and attempt a smile at Ryan. "You be better off asking Seth".

With that, the conversation seemed to end. Ryan assured Kirsten he was fine and she got ready to go and pick up Sophie. Ryan felt a little lighter following the heart to heart but it definitely hadn't reduced the number of questions he had in mind. The only problem was that asking Seth about it would be slightly more complicated.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, I'm really sorry for the long time between updating. Seeing people tag the story has been really great and I hope people are still reading. **

**NB. I'm sticking mainly to canon except for the fact that Julie's son is Bullit's and therefore not Ryan's brother. I just felt it was a level of complicated that the OC folks didn't need in their lives!**

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Seth and Ryan didn't talk about Taylor. Ever. It wasn't really an issue because Ryan wasn't usually eager to talk about her to anyone, but with Seth it was out of the question.

It was because of a fight. One of their more serious fights - one of the only fights - he and Seth had ever had.

It had been on Summer's birthday, just before she started back at Brown.

Summer was finally back in California for the summer after travelling with GEORGE and she was staying with the Cohens in Berkley for a few weeks before she and Seth headed to Rhode Island to get settled before school started.

Despite Summer's assurances that she was happy to chill out after a hectic year, Seth took it upon himself to organise a big birthday 'event'. Summer was flying to Seattle to spend a day with her Dad, a big dinner in Berkley with the Cohens and Coopers and then a party for her friends. Seth was planning it all and decided the perfect finishing touch would be a big Happy Birthday banner to hang in the bar at the party.

A week before the big day, the banner was on its seventh draft and about half completed; and Seth had neglected to do almost anything else, including inviting people.

After eventually inviting people the RSVPs were not promising. Only two of Summer's friends from GEORGE were coming because most of them were on the road, Che was on a trek in Peru and Taylor wasn't coming either. She was on a summer program in Senegal and instead promised to catch up with them in the fall.

The party idea was dropped and instead the friends would come to dinner along with Dr Roberts who decided he would travel to Berkley instead and join them.

Seth was a little deflated that his big plans were reduced to yet another function within the confines of the Cohen house, especially as they didn't even have the infinity pool anymore, but Summer seemed content with the promise of family, friends and food.

In eventuality, Seth's worrying appeared well founded as the evening turned out to be an almost complete disaster.

Things were bad before they started. Sophie developed chicken pox on the day and to keep her away from Julie's son Lewis, Kirsten was in quarantine upstairs all evening with her. Julie and Dr Roberts arrived at the house at the same time and managed to get into an argument on the front step whilst waiting for Sandy to open the door. Kaitlin trailed behind. She had just broken up with her latest boyfriend and barely seemed conscious, spending her time scowling down at her shoes.

No one was talking to each other and you could cut the tension with a knife. Things didn't get any better when a giant plate of chilli fries was presented and the two GEORGE girls, who were vegetarians, declared their disgust at the quantity of meat. But everyone was there because they cared about Summer and they tried to put everything aside, wishing her the best, presenting her with gifts and singing round the cake.

However it wasn't to be and in the end the dismal evening was cut short when a candlestick on the table set fire to the painstakingly painted and lacquered banner that hung over the room. Everyone threw water from their glasses across the room and Sandy used a towel to bat the banner down and stamp out the smouldering paper. Everyone left quite quickly after that.

The events were recounted to Kirsten and a clear-up job was half attempted before the parents went to bed and Seth, Summer and Ryan were left in the family room lazily watching an 80s action movie they all agreed was terrible and yet loved.

Summer managed to appreciate the positives about the evening and seemed to find the more dramatic events quite amusing. Seth on the other hand, was in complete despair, declaring himself a failure and convincing himself he would be banned from ever celebrating birthdays again. He had also been steadily drowning his sorrows in a bottle of wine.

Ryan looked across when he heard Summer giggling and found her reading a text.

"It's Taylor" she smirked, "she was wondering how the party went."

Seth sunk his head in his hands and Summer playfully kicked him from the other end of the sofa.

"Don't worry" she teased, "I can tell her the party was really something. I mean the roof, the roof…. The roof was on fire." Summer dissolved into more giggles and as Ryan sat across from them on the opposite sofa he let out an almost inaudible chuckle.

The next thing he knew Seth was on his feet and moving across to Ryan with a look of rage on his face.

"So this is funny to you?"

Summer pulled a confused face, still smiling from her joke "Come on Cohen, we're just teasing."

Seth didn't respond, his eyes didn't move off Ryan and he was breathing heavily.

"It's funny 'cause I screwed up again." He spoke in a low even tone that was very un-Seth like. "Yet again Seth tries and fails. Right?"

Ryan was a little taken aback but simply replied, "Maybe it's time to call it a night."

"A night?" After standing rigid, Seth finally moved. Nodding his head he walked up and down, now seemingly finding the situation funny himself. "You know that's all I wanted. One night." He ended up on the other side of the room with his back to the others who were both looking at him in confusion and concern. "Do you know what it's like? Trying to find one night where things can be …nice? Summer was on the road, I barely saw her for _a year_. I just wanted one night."

Seth then spun around and seemed serious again. He looked at Summer and seemed broken "The first birthday you had when you knew I existed, it turned out you didn't, know I existed I mean. Then I was off on a boat. Then there were comatose brothers and potential murder charges hanging over us." He fell quiet as they all remembered the impossibility of celebrating Summer's 18th birthday. "All this time, I just wanted to give you one good birthday."

"Cohen…" Summer's voice was full of pain and sympathy and love and Ryan felt a wave of emotion. Everything he felt for these two people, everything he had been through with them, everything they had come through together.

Seth looked back at Ryan and seemed angry again. "I wanted a night where everyone could just celebrate. Together. The most important people in her life." Seth glanced down at Summer's phone.

Ryan was bewildered. "This is about Taylor?" he managed to scoff. "She's in Africa!"

"And you don't think she'd come back for Summer's birthday? She's staying away because of you!" Seth's voice was getting louder and Ryan had ended up on his feet. "Taylor is her _best friend_. Through everything…. And she's not here because of you."

Summer was still sat on the sofa between them. She kneeled up, a stern look on her face, trying to break their staring contest. "Seth. I had a nice birthday and I'll see Taylor soon."

But Seth wasn't listening and he moved around the sofa to stand in front of Ryan. "You broke her heart." He was shouting now.

Ryan was quietly seething now. Getting angry in a way he didn't get anymore. He spoke through his teeth. "We mutually broke up months ago and we're still friends."

"Friends! Friends?" Seth was waving his hands around, getting in Ryan's face "You don't have friends Ryan. You have acquaintances and you have us."

"And Taylor? You think she's overwhelmed with people in her life? Do you even know _anything_ about her life anymore? Do you care? Or are you just done with her?"

"Cohen" Summer was half scolding- half pleading but he wasn't listening and now neither was Ryan as they stood almost nose to nose.

"You know when you first asked what I thought about you and Taylor together?" Seth paused but Ryan didn't react. "I thought it was a bad idea. I was worried you weren't ready - that you were still too _damaged_. But mainly I was worried for Taylor."

At this point, Sandy came thundering down the stairs. In his robe with his hair in disarray he looked horrified to find Seth and Ryan squaring up to each other.

"What the hell is going on here? Are you two fighting? Your little sister, who is sick need I remind you, is trying to sleep upstairs."

It wasn't clear if it was because of Sandy's appearance but Seth did lower his voice.

"She is a good friend to me and Summer. The best. And I knew you'd screw her over. Mess her up, break her heart and cast her out. Just like you've done before."

The room was deathly silent and Ryan felt the power and anger fade a little from his fists and it was rapidly replaced by a crushing sorrow to his chest.

"Quite frankly I thought she deserved better."

Ryan turned and blew out of the house, barley registering Sandy's calling after him.


	4. Chapter 4

**This follows on from the previous chapter but didn't really fit in with the next one so I'm making it a very short chapter. A chapterette if you will. **

**Next chapter to follow soon.**

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Ryan had come a long way from his Chino days and he resisted temptation to start a brawl, run away or endlessly brood; cooler heads prevailed and he went back to the house a couple of hours after the argument and made an awkward peace with Seth the following morning.

Seth pleaded insanity by way of stress, alcohol and smoke inhalation. Summer assured Ryan of Seth's regret and Sandy and Kirsten assured Ryan of Seth's stupidity.

Ryan accepted the apologies and despite a few uncomfortable days of tension between him and Seth, they put it behind them and were back to fighting in the virtual gaming sense only by the end of the week.

The only lasting effects of the whole thing were Seth's assurance to provide bigger and better birthday celebrations in the future and the fact that Seth and Ryan never spoke about Taylor again.

It wasn't anger that prevented them from talking. Ryan was fairly sure that it was embarrassment on Seth's part and on his own it was a because of scratching pain in the back of his throat that agreed with everything Seth had said.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry if I am messing up these uploads. I'm finding the formatting a bit confusing and I'm pretty much computer illiterate so sorry. Hope you like the new chapter. x**

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As finals and graduation loomed ever closer, Ryan was pleased to find a distraction when Seth and Summer visited Berkley for a weekend.

It was just a visit. No special reason. They said it over and over. So much so, that Sandy and Kirsten were completely convinced of an alternative motive. Seth and Summer didn't arrive until after midnight but the Cohens couldn't contain their excitement and the couple were barely through the door when the questions began.

"Are you looking at a job?"

"An apartment?"

"Decided on a postgraduate course? An opportunity to witness the best professor at Berkley in action?"

Seth and Summer pulled faux confused looks at each other. "You mean that Econ guy Ryan talks about?"

"Ha-ha very funny. Are you going to tell us?"

"Do we get to sit down first?"

They moved into the family room and settled on sofas, Ryan opting to perch on an arm. For some reason he was nervous. He knew that they could stay out East but he also knew he would love to have them close by again.

Seth was bouncing up and down slightly in his seat like a golden retriever and Summer, with a truly serene smile on her face, reached across for his hand and took a deep breath. "It's California; San Francisco." Tears welled in her eyes. "We're coming home."

Sandy and Kirsten jumped to their feet and rushed over for hugs. Across the commotion, whilst in a stranglehold from Sandy, Seth looked over at Ryan who hadn't moved from his perch, dealing with the shock. The two boys made eye contact and Ryan felt the broadest smile spread across his face and a lightness fill his body. He got up and joined in the merriment.

Seth began gushing about his job offer at 'the coolest comic-publishers on the planet' when Summer elbowed him in the ribs and he suddenly raised his hands in request of silence.

"Wait, wait. I forgot the most important part." Seth's face was shining as he threw his arm around a smiling Summer's shoulders and puffed out his chest. "I finally talked her round. We're going to get married."

There was a shocked silence and Seth briefly looked worried, suddenly concerned his parents wouldn't be happy about the revelation.

But tears fell from Kirsten's eyes as they looked to the bottom of the stairs to find a tiny blond girl in a pink nightgown with a look of shock and awe on her face.

"Does this mean I get to be bridesmaid?"

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They had all stayed up toasting and talking and celebrating the news and they all agreed - it just made sense. A new chapter in their lives, in San Francisco, with blossoming careers, cemented by the constants in their lives; family and each other.

It was amazing that two people, who were not always the most mature, who were so different, who were still so young, were embarking on marriage. But they all agreed – it made sense.

The weekend passed in a blur of sun and smiles and plans. Because although the engagement was only just announced, the palpable certainty of it all, produced quick decisions.

A small, simple ceremony, with a few Cohen/Roberts quirks. An intimate setting – the Berkley house possibly. Relatively soon but not too soon after the move back West. August, maybe September.

And so on.

By Sunday, Kirsten and Summer were on to flowers and colour palettes and Sophie was drawing suggestions for her dress (pink with a bright green snake curling round the stomach, with wedding rings in his forked tongue).

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The boys had ended up in the kitchen eating cereal out of the box and talking about music for the first dance.

"What do you think Best Man?" Seth had been trying out the nickname ever since he had asked Ryan the day before.

"You can't go wrong with Journey."

"Man, be realistic, we need to think romantic. I was thinking more about The Shins, The Kinks, maybe a little Death Cab."

They looked across at each other and burst out laughing.

"How do you think Summer would feel about walking down the aisle to The Killers?" Seth chuckled as he grabbed another handful of Lucky Charms.

Ryan's smile faded as a reality settled over him. Walking down the aisle. Shit.

He asked a question he already knew the answer to, "Seth, who is going to be Maid of Honour? Who am I going to walk with?"

Seth cringed.

Ryan let out a long breath.

"She is Summer's best friend." He stated as a matter of fact. "It makes sense."

"I don't want it to be weird." The gloom in Seth's voice made Ryan regret brining it up. "I know we don't talk about her, but it's my wedding and I don't want it to be weird. You guys are both family." There was a silence until Seth said quietly, "I know I can't make up for the things I said at Summer's birthday."

"It's okay Seth."

"It's not. I hate fighting with you. And Summer was mad at me for ages after that. Because I didn't even mean what I said. I was upset that Taylor wasn't there. It wasn't even about you. We were worried about her and it was easy to blame you for her not being there."

Ryan wasn't convinced that Seth hadn't meant what he said but his curiosity got the better of him. "You were worried about her?"

"Sure. You remember she was in Africa that summer?" Ryan nodded.

"She was having a tough time. When earlier she had seemed to really be enjoying it." Seth could tell from Ryan's face that he had no idea what Taylor had been doing; was he really that clueless to Taylor's life?

"She was in Senegal helping in creative writing and poetry classes at a school there." Seth explained. "The girl's a sucker for French poetry I guess!"

Ryan thought back to her attempts to make him appreciate her favourite poems. She was always tweaking her translations while explaining to him that they were still missing something. Ryan didn't understand any of the French and poetry didn't really do it for him but he could listen to her for hours, loving that she wanted to share it with him.

He quickly focused his attention back to Seth.

"She kept telling Summer and me how talented the kids were. And there was this one kid, his name was Seydou, and she said he was amazing. She was reading loads of the stuff he had written and started to recognise some of it. She spoke to the kid and he said it was all stuff he'd written previous years at the program."

"Anyway" Seth rolled his eyes dramatically as he continued. "It turned out Taylor's college Professor, the guy who ran the program, was using stuff the kid wrote to get published back in France! The dude was stealing poetry from a 15 year old and Taylor found out about it."

Seth was animated as he told the story whilst Ryan stood perfectly still, listening and realising everything he had missed in Taylor's life the past few years.

"Taylor tried to confront the Professor about it all but I guess he saw her coming a mile off because he ended up manipulating her." Seth's voice had a bitterness to it that Ryan didn't hear often.

"He told her all this bullshit about it being more important for the world to hear the kid's voice. That no one would publish stuff by a little African kid. That he'd put Seydou through college… He threatened her too; stuff about how he could ruin her future at the Sorbonne, no one would believe her. He really got to her. He locked into all of Taylor's biggest insecurities and used them against her."

Ryan couldn't believe it. And yet he could. In his mind's eye he could clearly see Taylor lost and alone on another continent. It upset him in ways that he couldn't pinpoint. Was it just the thought of her being hurt? Was it that he had missed it? Or was it that he knew she didn't need him to help? That she could tell Seth and Summer but not him?

"It was the week of Summer's birthday, Taylor called to tell us she couldn't come and ended up telling us all about what was going on over there. We were both worried about her but felt useless to help." Seth's animated nature was replaced by a quieter look of regret.

"I just wanted to… protect her or something I guess" and with that Seth seemed to be finished.

It was easy to think of Seth as shallow, albeit in an endearing way, but it was touching to see his depths.

"When did you get so protective of her?" Ryan asked.

"She's our best friend, man."

Ryan looked down as he asked the question he had been avoiding "Is it something to do with when Marissa died? After the funeral?"

Seth looked completely shocked, as well as quite confused. "I don't…"

"I didn't know she was around Newport then, but your Mom mentioned it."

Seth slid up to sit on the counter and looked down at his hands, fidgeting slightly. "Yeah, she was around."

"Is that when…" Ryan searched for the right words "you guys- you and Summer- got closer with her?

"Yeah. She was like a freakin' superhero back then." Seth joked.

Ryan looked at Seth puzzled.

"I don't know, she… helped. All of us. She just showed up one day. Literally on our doorstep. It was after the funeral, she said she didn't hear right away. Then she just started doing, like, _admin_. I remember seeing her with paperwork. I have no idea what it was for but I guess it was just stuff that needed to get done. I think we all needed someone to be in charge."

Ryan suddenly wanted the conversation to be over, for the two of them to revert back to conversations about the wedding or graduation, anything to avoid talking about this.

But he couldn't help wanting to know more, so he let Seth continue.

Seth tried to affect a happy tone over the pained note in his voice "You know Ryan, it has been brought to my attention in the past that I can be a little self-involved at times."

Ryan chuckled, interested to hear where this was going, "I like to focus on the superficial; avoid responsibility and the sensible at all costs."

Seth deflated a little and added dryly "That was proving a little difficult at the time. I was trying to be strong – supportive."

"So every day for two weeks Taylor drove me to the mall to buy coffee for everyone. We'd sit in the car or in the coffee shop and she'd just let me talk. Get a day's worth of Seth-speak out in 30 minutes. I would bitch and moan and be completely selfish and she listened to it all with a straight face and never slapped me, although I'm sure I deserved it. I think it's what kept me sane."

Ryan still didn't move, still looking down. Taking everything in and trying not to let it overwhelm him.

"And then at the end of my rant she would buy me a comic book. She pretty much secured me the job at the comic book store. It's like she was my babysitter. I suppose that's what she was. But it meant a lot to me because it meant I didn't put that crap on Summer."

"Did you know Taylor was the first one Summer would talk to?" Seth looked up as he spoke and his eyes were wet.

"She wouldn't get out of bed. Wouldn't eat. Wouldn't talk. Her Dad was so focused on Julie who was in major meltdown. Jimmy made quite a quick exit after the funeral."

Sounds about right thought Ryan to himself. But then again who was he to talk?

"But Summer was just… catatonic. So Taylor came and sat with her and just talked. I mean full on, rapid-fire, supersonic Taylor."

"At first I thought she was crazy or nervous or going to make Summer worse or something. But she didn't. Non-stop talk about celebrities and shoes and hot guys actually seemed to make Summer respond. And with Taylor watching Summer it gave me time to eat and shower and check on Mom and Dad."

"She just knew. Knew to just talk at Summer, she knew I needed to talk at her."

"She pulled Summer back from the brink and brought her back to me. Since then, I guess I owe her. I owe her… my life."

Then Ryan understood. He understood how a preppy, neurotic, basket-case like Taylor, who had once tried to break Seth and Summer up, could go from enemy to tolerated acquaintance, to dearest, cherished friend.

She had protected what was most important to them; each other.

* * *

As Seth and Ryan hugged goodbye at the end of the weekend, it felt like they were letting go of something that had been hanging over them and Ryan was grateful for that.

As Seth was about to carry his bags out to the car, Ryan stopped him "What happened with Taylor and the professor?"

Seth smirked and his eyes sparkled mischievously; "Are you kidding me? She revealed the douche for what he was, the guy got suspended, all the exposure of Seydou's writing got a ton of funding and Taylor has been helping run the program ever since."

Of course. It made Ryan smile to imagine it.

Now he couldn't deny that his thoughts, his questions surrounding Taylor – thoughts that were previously confined to the very back of his mind - were only increasing and despite the happiness he was feeling for his friends, he could feel an all too familiar weight settling on his shoulders.

With the wedding now on the horizon, Ryan was facing the certainty that he would soon see Taylor again and quite frankly, he was terrified.


End file.
